Sooz's Big 2023 EastEnders Catch-Up

My big #EastEnders catch-up thread for people who only see it when they go home for Christmas with the family.

Heading home to the fam? Gonna have to sit through Christmas EastEnders without a single clue as to what’s going on? Allow me to get you all caught up on the goings-on in Albert Square in its most explosive week of the year! And this year is a DOOZY of a Christmas special!

This is my fifth annual EastEnders catch-up. If you never want to miss one you know what to do…

First I'll tell you why Dead Cindy is back. Yeah, you’ll see Cindy, it's clearly Cindy and she’s back with Ian! “HOW!?” Cindy died in childbirth in prison. But she didn’t. She was in witness protection for 25 years. Bish bash bosh. And she’s back. That’s why you’re seeing Dead Cindy. While Cindy was “dead” she was named Rose, married George (Colin Salmon), moved to Marbella to run a bar and had two kids. Then she found out her and Ian’s daughter Lucy had been murdered back in 2014, had a bit of a breakdown, abandoned the fam and eventually…found Ian again. Colin Salmon's now engaged to Linda's mum (GREATEST CASTING EVER Harriet Thorpe). They’ve bought the Vic since the disappearance of Linda’s great love Danny Dyer last xmas. Is there tension between Colin Salmon and newly-revealed Alive Cindy? No, none. Jk jk there’s LOADS. It’s heartbreaking AND camp.

Guess who else is still in the show….SONIA! Original Sonia. She never left. She’s trying to get pregnant for the first time since she was 16 with Reece, her nerd fella who is great in bed and he has a wife in a coma. This is common knowledge on the square…but he’s secretly spent his wife’s money on IVF for him and Sonia. It might come up this Christmas so that’s what that is. Yes she still plays the trumpet

.Jay and Lola got married this year knowing Lola was dying from a brain tumour. He’s been struggling since she died back in the summer and so if you see him looking miffed n that…it’s justified.

Whitney and Zack lost a baby this year and it was very sad…and they’ve decided to adopt…and their first foster kid arrived three days before Christmas. ERM GOOD LUCK ETC.

And NOW we’re going BACK TO FEBRUARY! Yes, February. An episode ten months ago ended with a flash forward to Christmas Day where six of Albert Square’s women were standing over the body of…a bloke wearing a set of cufflinks. The epicness can be seen here. These are The Six and boy oh boy do they all have motives. Less of a whodunnit, more of a whydunnit and whoizzit.

So let’s meet The Six. First up? SHARON! Bringing hardcore camp to the square it’s ar Sharon. Almost four years back she had an affair with young hunk Keanu (yeah really) while married to Phil Mitchell. It resulted in a VERY blonde baby. Albie is extremely Aryan. Look! So Aryan!

Sharon and Keanu have been on-and-off for Albie’s whole life but they’re finally on track, getting married on Christmas Day and everything’s gonna be wonderful. Except that a few weeks ago Keanu and his mum staged Albie’s kidnapping and got a £50k ransom for him. And it’s Phil’s £50k. Lol OOP. Phil has discovered the kidnapping was fake and Keanu swears he had nothing to do with it, causing his mum to flee the square. Sharon believes him. The marriage is going ahead!

Btw Phil is likely to go as red as a Lindor at least twice over the festive period and it’s just his way of honouring the season.

Oh, and Albie isn’t Keanu’s baby. He’s Phil’s baby. Sharon knows. Linda knows. Kat knows. Phil doesn’t know. Keanu doesn’t know. Could Sharon kill Phil to get him out of the picture? With me so far? Good! You’re doing great.

Btw here’s Kat looking over at Sharon in the Vic this week knowing Albie is Phil’s baby but not telling Phil coz if she does it might make Phil and Sharon get back together as per the bloody usj. Yeah, Kat and Phil are married now nbd.

Next up…Linda. A year ago she won back Mick (Danny Dyer)…only for him to accidentally drive in to the sea chasing Janine (she’s in prison) never to be seen again (until he shows up having lost his memory in 2030 or something). Linda has done so well this year. Through her grief she has managed to stay on the wagon and not relapse with the booze, she is running the Vic with her mum Harriet Thorpe and her and Sharon are top gal pals.

Now. Going back nine years Mick’s brother Dean raped Linda. It was a harrowing storyline brilliantly handled (and acted!) and Dean has never quite received his comeuppance.

But why am I bringing up Dean? He left Walford, his reputation ruined, YEARS ago! Because he’s BACK. He’s back and he’s out for revenge on Linda. A few weeks back Colin Salmon accidentally made Dean fall down the stairs at the Vic when Dean was being a fetid little threadworm and Dean said the only way he’d not go to the police was if Linda said out loud to him that he didn’t rape her. So Linda did it for the good of her family and even though it devastated her. And Dean secretly recorded it. And played it to everyone in the Vic using the karaoke machine! DEAN!

This caused Linda to finally relapse. One of her new stepsisters (Not Dead Cindy and Colin Salmon’s daughter) thinks Linda lied and is getting close to Dean. FUCK. Dean keeps trying to get Linda alone. She’s managed to avoid it. Then this week? Linda received this text FROM MICK! HE’S ALIVE!

Nah it was from Dean haha what a Prank Sinatra. Linda goes to meet “Mick” where they wed and it was just DEAN there. He’s APOLOGISING. Yeah, Dean said sorry to Linda. Coz he feels like if he makes things right it’ll save his daughter’s life (she needs a lung transplant…giver her one of yours then, Dean). Honestly, if Linda killed Dean would anyone bloody blame her?

And now Goddess Denise! Remember when she was engaged to Ian? Weird! Anyway.

Denise is married to Jack now. Jack Branning, brother of top shagger Max Branning. Their marriage got a bit stale and she had a flirtation with OOOOOOOO Ravi. He’s easy on the mince pies. She didn’t go through with the affair and they only kissed. He really properly pursued her too, he was a right slimer about it. But he’s also SHABOOYA ROLLCALL hawwwwt so it was nasty in a GOOD way.

OK. Due to Ravi being investigated for #crimes by Jack the Cop the Not Quite Affair was revealed. Denise and Jack’s marriage has been mighty strained ever since. Then Ravi started sleeping with Denise’s daughter Chelsea and then that was over and…ugh….it’s been a right ol’ 2023 for Albert Square’s biggest fox (her surname is Fox, I’m VERY clever). Jack has taken Denise back but also been a right prick about it. Either forgive her or don’t, Jack! It doesn’t help that his teen daughter Amy has been self-harming and his teen son Ricky has had a baby with Stacey’s daughter Lily.

Things reached breaking point last week. Stacey and Jack have been seeing a lot of each other (more on that later) and her and Jack smashed OOP yeah that’s right Stacey done another Branning.

Regretting everything, Jack came clean with Denise the next day. Well…sort of. He said he smashed with a random. Denise was like “RITE” and agreed to work on their marriage. But then she found out it was Stacey and Denise was all “ORLY” and now she wants out. She went through their financial documents and HMMMMM Jack has them all in his accountant’s name. I don’t really understand shit like this, I sort of wing it with money tbh, but I can tell from Denise’s reaction that this is BAD. Will Denise bludgeon Jack to death with a champers bottle?! Or maybe Ravi coz he started all this and he’s also a shit.

The Six also includes Suki and OH BOY she’s the greatest EastEnders character in a TIME. As the matriarch of the Panesar family she’s basically sent two of her four kids to jail where one of them was killed. But that’s probably unimportant this yuletide.

Before her husband Nish came out of prison for killing a man who was trying to get off with Suki twenty years ago. Nish is convinced Suki had an affair with the murdered man, something she’s always denied. While Nish was still in the big house Suki met Eve. OH YOU THOUGHT ONE BRAND NEW ICONIC WALFORD WOMAN WAS COOL? WELL HAVE ANOTHER ONE. This is Eve, bizzatches!

Eve is Stacey Slater Ice Skater’s wife. They met in jail. “omg Stacey is bi!” Nah, they got married in jail so Eve could be released on probation and…look, it’s a marriage of convenience, Stacey and Eve are best m8s and their dynamic running burger van Stacey’s Baps is GLORIOUS.

Eve is a solicitor who lost her license after committing assault long before she was on ‘Enders. Nish hires her to help Suki run her side of the business (involves a lot of business trips to Leeds?) and to keep an eye on Suki coz he’s a controlling POS. But OOP Eve and Suki ARE IN LOVE! Suki didn’t have an affair with the fella Nish killed…it was the dead guy’s WIFE! Now she’s found love with Eve. And Nish found out when he saw them having a snog in rainbow kimonos (don’t worry about it) on CCTV in the Minute Mart stockroom!

Before I tell you what happened after the abusive controlling broody quite sexy actually Nish found out about his wife having it off with Eve you need to know more about Ravi. He’s Nish’s illegitimate son for a start. And in 2022 he killed Ranveer, the man who’d brought him up, when he walked in on Ranveer knocked unconscious by Suki (he’d tried to assault Suki, it was quite a night). He told Suki he’d deal with the body and KILLED Ranveer but let Suki believe it was her! And she let her least annoying son Kheerat take the fall and go to prison for her over it last year. BUT WHOA there’s security cam footage of Ravi being the true murderer! And Denise saw it by chance when she swiped Ravi’s laptop…

Denise told Suki. She told Ravi she knew the truth. The police looked at the laptop. No footage to be found! Denise, why DID you tell Ravi? Ah well, she’s an iconic goddess nevertheless.

So Suki COULD kill Ravi. Now back to what happened when Nish found out about Eve and Suki and the rainbow kimonos (it’s FINE, they’re just rainbow kimonos, stop asking about it!) He was literally annoyed! He got Eve alone and said “what’s all this then, with the rainbow kimonos and the stockroom and all that palaver!?” (I’m paraphrasing) Eve hit back that Suki and her were in love and that Suki was “tender and passionate” with her (this stuck with me coz it made me go “ooo nice”) and that they were running away together TONIGHT. Nish then…knocked her out with a big bottle.

He called Ravi and was like “help daddy” (paraphrasing), they put Eve in the boot of Ravi’s car and Nish ordered Ravi to drive Eve somewhere, kill her and bury her! Ravi drove Eve to the woods and in a showdown where she begs him not to kill her….he doesn’t. He can’t. He sets her free, tells her to never come back and she flees.

Suki is left heartbroken…Nish texts her from Eve’s phone saying “can’t go through with it sorryyyyyyyyyyyyy lol” (paraphr…oh you get the picture) and thinks he has his wife back under his iron fist.

But you see…Suki doesn’t buy that Eve ghosted her. And remember, Eve is Stacey’s Friendwife…and Stacey doesn’t buy that Eve ghosted them either. Will Suki kill Nish? Ravi? More of her kids? Stay tuned.

If any of you are finding any of this confusing bee tee dubs you’re just showing your ignorance, I couldn’t have made this ANY simpler, jeeeez.

OK! Next up…it’s Stacey! Stacey has often had a rough year. But this year’s been REAL rough. Her 12-year-old had a baby with Jack’s son (they named it after Charli XCX who heard about it and loved it irl).

So now there’s another baby in the house. That costs money doesn’t it. So Stacey was willing to do whatever it takes to earn money (coz Stacey’s Baps only charges two quid for a burger like it’s the 90s or some shit).

Stacey turned to OnlyFans. Except it’s EastEnders so it’s called LonelyMans or something. She was making good money. But then people found out, she was shamed by her family, her daughter got bullied at school over it…she quit LonelyMans. But you know what? It’s actually nothing to be ashamed of, SWERFs. You go for it Stacey. She carried on chatting to one bloke who sent her messages n £££. And she looked after her family!

Meanwhile things were going ok coz her daughter was being tutored by schoolteacher Theo. He’s doing it out of the kindness of his heart. He’s semi-handsome (a Walford 7). He and Stacey are vibing. They go on a date!

The date is Kathy’s wedding (more on that later) and it turns out Theo gives Stacey the ick. And she gets back together with Martin at the wedding. So she and Theo are…just friends. OK. Long story short, Theo is Stacey’s LonelyMans guy and he’s OBSESSED WITH HER. He starts fully stalking her. Nobody can tell who the stalker is and Theo’s ALWAYS around. Stacey was really struggling….she’s paranoid, freaked and vulnerable. Theo finally reveals himself to be the stalker but he’s been clever about it so there’s no evidence. The police do nothing. He continues to terrorise Stacey.

Finally he breaks in to the Slater house and tries to rape Stacey and then Bobby off of Strictly knocks him out and then Eve arrives and they get a big wrench out of Theo’s car and plant it on him to make it look like he was attacking Stacey with the wrench. He goes to jail coz the cops also find a load of lingerie and stuff Theo has stolen from Stacey in the car. Stacey tricks him in to pleading guilty by saying she’ll be with him when he’s free. This will all end well.

Now, this storyline is worth filling you in on BUT Theo isn’t actually in the show at the moment (he’s on bail up north?) and isn’t one of the men listed. But you need to know what a tough year Stacey’s had coz it explains why she smashed with Jack. She wasn’t being a seductress like her off of Love Actually, you know, necklace woman. Stacey’s extremely shaken and vulnerable right now (her and Martin broke up again) and she was actually walking away from Jack when he made the move.

In the flashforward to Xmas Day from Feb Stacey is shown with her hands covered in blood. Whose blood?! Is she killing Jack for making her the town tart once again? Or (more likely) Nish and/or Ravi for what they did to Eve. OMG EVE! Eve disappeared on Ravi’s orders, she’s been gone for weeks. Stacey and Jack have spent a lot of time together in December because Stacey is sure she’s not just ghosted everyone for no reason…and Jack REALLY took advantage of Stacey when they smashed.

This week Jack received an anonymous tip off that Eve had been seen in Ravi’s car the night she disappeared! So the police checked his boot…it’s full of Eve’s blood!!!! Not like the lift in The Shining or anything but, yeah, her blood. Ravi and Nish are arrested for the murder of Eve! Suki, despondent at the fact that, as she’d suspected, Nish had had Eve killed goes to take an overdose. BUT THEN EVE COMES IN THE BACK DOOR (OOP not like that you filthy beggars!) AND THEY ARE REUNITED! It was Eve’s plan all along! #SukEve

Now they just need to run away together and never be found, easy, simple, as simple as this bloody thread! Eve and Suki go to see Stacey to tell her she’s not dead really lol. Jack finds them. GAH. So now Jack knows Eve hasn’t been murdered. Nish and Ravi are inside. Ravi’s told Nish on the prison phone that he didn’t kill Eve after all. And Jack’s got them out of prison. And there a LOT of reasons to kill Jack and Nish now aren’t there.

You’re keeping up just fine, maybe print this all out for the big day.

KATHY! Wondering what Kathy’s looking like these days? THE SAME! She doesn’t age. “KATHY!? I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD” Oh do better, you, she’s been back since 2015 when it turned out she’d faked her own death. It happens. ANYWAY. Kathy got married this year to Brian Conley YEAH THAT’S HIM OFF OF IT’S A PUPPET.

He really loves Kathy. But he also: lied about his identity, committed bigamy, hid a gambling addiction, gambled away his honeymoon and then a little bit committed arson on Kath’s Caf. Lol jack the lad final boss mf. In all this Rocky has, in his desperation, taken loans from Nish. And Nish has lauded this over him with threats and taunts. He’s forced Kathy to sell him the cafe and ooooo boy, WHAT a jerk.

Rocky finally admitted to Kathy he’d burned down the cafe deliberately and she threw him out for good, heartbroken. And she’s mad as hell at Nish. He’s still on the square, he’s sorry, he’s a pathetic idiot and we KNOW Brian Conley is leaving ‘Enders to do a musical or corporates or something. Could HE be Kathy’s victim? Or maybe…Nish!

OK! That’s The Six (wasn’t that simple?) and these are the men that could be killed by any of The Six. Look at them there in their suits. With their matching CUFFLINKS!!!!

The cufflinks initially were a big ol’ clue. There was one pair that kept going from bloke to bloke and then last week there was a spanner in the works when Alfie and Billy were selling 832434648213 of the bastards on the market. So we know it’s a lad wearing the cufflinks that gets knocked off but it could be any of these dickheads. Btw, the cufflinks have turned out to be solid platinum…it might end up being relevant. No idea how.

It’s not gonna be Phil though is it, come on, Albert Square’s reddest hunk will outlive us all!

Oh and as it’s Christmas EastEnders keep an eye out for at LEAST one crane shot. Now settle back, relax and at 9.45pm on Monday get ready for the best Christmas Albert Square has ever seen.