Platforms!

TOUR STARTS FOR REAL TOMORROW WHICH IS SATURDAY 12TH OCTOBER IN FAREHAM

I’ve mentioned before that Twitter is my platform (and that’s still what it’s called btw, I’m not gonna be a Musk cuck, it’s Twitter 4 life). It worked for what I do and I posted all my video content on Youtube, Insta, TikTok (and now Threads bleugh) but Twitter was the only place they gained real traction. However, the big places to get live audiences these days are TikTok and Instagram. So I’m posting there and Insta is fine, pretty bland, but when a video starts getting big views on TikTok WHOA MAMMA be prepared to receive the worst replies you’ve ever seen in your LIFE. They take absolutely everything you say in videos completely literally, they think any character is a real person no matter how poor the greenscreening is and they sure do like to tell me I’m hideous looking. But I’ll persevere heh heh. Come see me on tour maybe and make it aaaaall worth it?

It’s bizarre to be three months away from turning 40 and to be insecure over my looks in a way that is barely different to when I was a teenager. I mean, it isn’t, because look what society does to women who GASP visibly age? For all the talk of “well look at Michelle Pfeiffer, she’s allowed herself to grow older gracefully, she hasn’t had all those ridiculous fillers and botoxes and faceliftings” people remain incredibly judgemental of the way a woman looks. Gains weight? That’s bad, she used to be so svelte. Loses weight? That’s bad, she looks so drawn. Has a nose job? That’s bad, she loks so bland now. Has a nose that isn’t a button nose? That’s bad, she can only play character roles (and then people say “well what about Barbra Streisand?” and she’s the only name that EVER comes up when it comes to women who kept their OG noses). Thin lips? Ha ha she doesn’t have any lips! Gets lip filler? Ha ha she looks like a duck. I could go on…and on and on. But, ya know, whenever I bring this up a man will proclaim “I happen to like the natural look, I don’t like it when women have all that unnatural stuff in their face”. Hun, nobody fucking asked for your opinion.

I wear myself out worrying about the way I look. It’s exhausting. I won’t go in to all the issues I, personally, have with my face but they’re almost all the same problems online trolls have with my face. The only difference is…they obsess over my “crazy eyes” “psycho eyes” “bug eyes” and…nah, none of that works. My eyes absolutely slap m8. They’re banging. They’re Disney eyes. I wouldn’t change a thing about them. I have huge insecurities about my body but all of that is stuff I feel I can do something about plus I’m lucky enough to have a societally-acceptable body shape…whereas my face is just my face and, as already discussed, if I go under the needle or the knife I’ll be judged again. My advice to people would be, the next time you see a celebrity who has had work done that you don’t approve of, keep it to yourself. Nobody asked your opinion and nobody cares which weight or lip size or cheek height you liked best on that particular celeb.

I’m putting all of this in to a stand-up show (yeah, that’s right, I now have to make this funny) which I’m going to start previewing next year but, for now, remember that if you mug someone off for the way they look you’re just being a jerk. And if you see someone mugging someone you like off for the way they look and you hit back at them with how ugly THEY are, you’re no better and nobody won. All you’re telling me is that you reckon if my troll looked like Paul Newman or Angelina Jolie they’d have a point.